Hello...

Hello... from Black Static Films on Vimeo.

TylerDirtonTV: True Stories Vol II

TylerDirtonTV: True Stories Vol. 2 from Tyler Dirton on Vimeo.


Enjoy

And before you go, check out my Snack Pack Improv Comedy Groups cool swag for sale by clicking the link below!!
http://www.cafepress.com/thesnackpack

Snack Pack Preview

HELL YEAH!! Thursday is here, check out these Snack Pack Clips from the last show. New Show tomorrow at Apache Cafe 64 3rd St. NW Atlanta, GA 30308. Holla at me for them advanced tix. Enjoy

The Snack Pack:Fall Out Friday @ Apache Cafe 6-12-09 from Black Static Films on Vimeo.

If Cartoon Characters Were Real...

Welcome, welcome, welcome back to Thursday Comedy Corner. For your enjoyment I present to you:

If Cartoon Characters Were Real

I would definitely try to fuck Smurfette to see if the condom turns blue

Tony the Tiger would scare the shit out of everyone at the Gay Club (obviously only a gay dude would wear only a scarf around his neck while butt naked)


Quagmire would be the first to be on "Dateline To Catch A Predator"
Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.


I would mob to the club w/ Richie Rich and stunt on all you hoes!!! Poppin massive bottles!


If the Tazmanian Devil spits on me one more time I will fight his ass


Mickey Mouse would be mad at Michael Jackson for stealing his swag, Gloves...White Face w/ Black Hair, and love for little boys

I would definitely burn one with Cookie Monster...anyone that eats that many cookies has to have the munchies


I would tell Wile E. Coyote to stop fucking w/ ACME and get w/ Smith & Wesson



I would try and get to know Dora the Explorers' connect...she can go anywhere on the planet...no security checkpoint, I know she keep that work


The PowerPuff girls would go on that show "Intervention"...the only people with eyes that big are crackheads



THANK YOU

Wouldn't These Twitter Updates Be Crazy

Since it's the new craze, decided I would snap some shit about it...entitled...
"Wouldn't These Twitter Updates Be Crazy?"


"Damn, offed a white chick and was good, got 75 for stealing some football cards...wtf?"
@OJdidntdoit

"Man this cave startin to stink!!!"
@BinLadenbinchillin

"Damn I cant even bust a nut w/out it making CNN...FUCK!!!!"
@Barackdabeast

"Who's the best?...haha...I raped a white chick raw dizzle in the ass...and until now, yall forgot...haha"
@Kobe3rings

"I sucked the right one babay...uhh huh!!!"
@kimkardassian

"I fucked the right one babay...uhh huh!!!"
@dangershesmashedthehomies

"HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
@keycolesmama

"man got damn...its a fuckin dog!!!"
@MVick7

"dem niggas down there wildin"
@THEREALJESUS_H

"Wow...I should write a book called, tear shit up...and flee the scene!"
@gWbush

Homework Assignments: If you dig what I do...invite your friends to my group...on the home page click "Invite People To Join" then follow the promps...preciate ya

Oh yea...Twitter me: @tylerchronicles

Thank You

Sex Positions

As promised, I call this one...New Sex Positions I Made Up (Female Version). Enjoy and comment.

Toilet Seat- Back in to sit on his face...then complain about the seat being up

Thighmaster- While getting eaten...squeeze the side of his head with your thighs and tell him to make a squeaking noise

Oil Spill- Drink 4 milkshakes...Ride him reverse cowgirl style...and diarrhea cha cha cha on his abs.

Pro Bowlers Association- Ride him as if sitting in a chair...put the middle 2 fingers of your hand in his nostrils and a thumb in his eye...then yell "Steeeeriiiike 3" ala Fred Flintstone

Tea Cup Ride-Tell him to lay flat...ride him and spin round and around until you cum...then hop off the bed and vomit in the corner

Swim Up Stream-Right before your man is about to climax...cover his hole wiith your thumb and whisper in his ear "Swim Up Stream"

Galaxy-In the 69 position...use your mates penis like an Atari joystick.. and his balls for buttons...and say "pew pew pew pew" as if shooting space ships

Car Wash- (Reserved for women over 40 or that have the sag from childbirth) While riding your man...dip your breasts in soapy water and rub them back and forth across his face

Sniper- Get behind your man, close one eye, look in his butt-hole, reach around to hold the barrel steady...then pull the trigger until it shoots the target (overboard I know, but I do it for yall)

Trick Flower- Tell him to put his nose by your vag to smell your "flower" then pee in his face and honk a clown horn

Thank You

Twitter @tylerchronicles.com

Sex Positions

Here we go...these are some new sex positions that I created...the male version (pause). Female version coming next week. Thanks.

Pencil Sharpener- Lay your woman face up on the bed, stick it in...then have her spin around while spitting sawdust out of her mouth

MJ- Hold on to the ceiling light with one hand while standing like the Jordan Jumpman logo and get head

Jack in the Box- Download 'Pop Goes the Weasel' on your cell phone, play it while hitting it from the back, and when the song reaches the 'pop' portion...dry thumb in her ass

Get High-wrap your lady in a brown garbage bag like a blunt, leaving only her head exposed, light the end by her feet on fire while receiving head

Tooth Fairy- take a pillow wherever you go and when you say "toothfairy" she has to stick her head under the pillow...and you guessed it...give head

The Elevator- Right before you reach the top(climax) fart and leave the room

The Ant Eater (Uncircumsized Users Only)- place raisins on your mates stomach and act as if your dick is eating ants...then insert

The Stanky 3rd Leg- Raw sex immediately after competing in a sports event

10 on Pump 5- Go raw, don't pull out til you shook out the last drop

The Ninja- Throw babypowder in your mates eyes...then steal the pussy

Things You Wouldn't Say At A Daycare

HELLO WORLD!! You know what time it is...come get in this corner! I call this one
THINGS YOU WOULDN'T SAY AT A DAYCARE

"Hey lil girl, you must look like your father"

"Aww...so cute, I just want to kidnap you and see how much you cost"

"Who wants to learn how to roll a blunt?"

"Lil dude in the corner with the helmet on is having an awesome time"

"And the secret word of the day is, 'Poontang' "

"Hey is that your mom over there with the fat ass?"

"Little boys that think girls are yucky usually grow up to be fudgepackers, ok?"

"Damn is that an adult 7 1/2 fitted hat? You got a grown man's head"

"Being a tattle tale can end up getting you stabbed in the shower"

"Alright reading time, who in here has heard of King Magazine?"

Got the advanced ticket list for my Improv Comedy show at SugarHill in ATL Sunday (5/3). If you got my number, hit me...if not email befunnyent@gmail.com and we will make it work. $10 with me...$15 at the door, come out and support ya boy!

Good Things Crackheads Do

WHADAFUXUP? This is a topic that rarely gets discussed so I took it upon myself to bring it to light. I call this, "Good Things Crackheads Do". Enjoy!

They are always there when you need a random pack of tube socks

They can wash your entire car with a bucket, an unlabeled spray bottle, and a towel/shirt

They are the source for all the dance crazes (The Roy, Harlem Shake, Stanky Leg..etc)

You won't be able to get a 37" flat screen for $40 anywhere else

They are Earth friendly, instead of cutting your grass with a lawnmower they choose scissors

Crackheads gone wild is an awesome DVD

$2 blow jobs

Even though you may end up with less stuff, they can get your entire house moved in 2 hours

They show the children what they can become if they don't do their homework

For $2 they will watch your car while you are in the club, for $5 they will build a brick wall around it and hire a pitbull

Thank You

You Know You are in the Black Mall When...

Welcome Back...did ya miss me?? This isn't You Know You Are a Redneck When...its You Know You are in the Black Mall When...Enjoy!
You know you are in the Black Mall when

The mannequins have fat asses

There is a 50 year old man purchasing an M&M's Nascar Jacket

You have to leave your bags at the front of every store



There are security tags on every single White Tee

There are no morning Mall Walkers

There are off-brand stores in the FoodCourt, ie T's Fried Fish and More

There is a kiosk that specializes in belts

There are no bookstores (sad but true)

Every girl that walks by sounds like they are carrying bags full of change

There is a dude in the parking lot trying to give you a better deal than what's in the mall

You see a herringbone

IF YOU ARE IN GBORO FOR AGGIEFEST ROCK W/ YA BOY AT THE STEPSHOW TOMORROW NIGHT!!! AFTER THE SHOW IS THE AFTERPARTY AND, AFTER THE PARTY IT'S THE HOTEL LOBBY THEN, AFTER THE LOBBY THEN I'M PROLLY SLEEP, AND WHEN I WAKE UP I'M A PROLLY EAT!!!

10 Most Awesome Things in the World in My Eyes

This list I have compiled are the 10 Most Awesome Things in the World in my eyes. Enjoy!

1) The creator of volleyball uniforms

2) Titties

3) The first person that thought it was a good idea to put your balls by the jet stream in the jacuzzi

4) Ladies night

5) The 8 minutes of footage after Halle Berry says, "Make me feel good" in Monster's Ball

6) The reaction of the first father that had to hear his only son ask, "Daddy, can you drive me to dance practice?"
7) Boyshorts

8) Baby Oil Gel on a stripper

9) Bubblegum Blunt Power

10) Knowing that to keep a man like Obama, Michelle's head game has got to be the most vicious on the Soutside of Chicago

Thank You

Most Inappropriate Things to Think in Church

This one right here may be my letter of intent to sign a full scholarship for hell...but oh well...doin it for yall! This one is entitled

Most Inappropriate Things to Think in Church

"Damn Pastor's wife got a big ass, and that limp is kinda sexy"

"Why they let this retarded boy do the same speech every Easter, he's 29 now"

"Damn, Mrs. Gynn breath smells like Holy Shit mixed with a sweaty choir robe"

"Church long as hell, soon as I get home ima put in that new Bootytalk joint and go Ham!"

"Did that Usher just touch my ass when she showed me to my seat?"

"Look at her up there in the choir, them lungs are strong because I swear she didnt come up for air on my meat last night"

"Damn, Deacon Smith needs to stop coming to church, he looks like he's about to die in 5 minutes"

"Did I take my Chlamydia pill this morning?"

"The Minister of Music is about to give us diabetes he is so sweet, ugggh"

"I wonder if Jesus was fuckin"

Thank You

I Wonder...

This one is entitled "I Wonder"...because I wonder some crazy shit...enjoy!

I wonder what the Ice Cream man does in the Winter

I wonder if fish get offended when being compared to stank pu$$y

I wonder how people used to survive before toilet paper was invented

I wonder if the Chinese children that make our shoes know that they are selling for around $150

I wonder if Halle Berry's fart stinks

I wonder why Krazy Glue doesn't stick to the inside of the tube

I wonder if a chicken has actually ever crossed a road

I wonder if Barack curses people out behind the scenes

I wonder if bats know they have a Super Hero in their honor

I wonder if your loved ones that are up in heaven are looking down on you...while you masturbate

You know you live in the hood when...

You know you live in the hood when...

You leave the porch light and TV on everytime you leave the house

You hate to turn on your kitchen light at night

Every girl's name ends in an "a"

You keep sandwich bags next to the sugar bowl because you know someone is coming to borrow some

You have more Kool-Aid packs in your cabinet than cooking spices and condiments

A Mother and Daughter are pregnant at the same time

Your corner store has more scratch off tickets than juice

Unfortunately the pizza man doesnt deliver "to that area"

You have carved your initials into your arm

The most expensive piece of furniture in the house is the X Box

Things That You Think to Yourself, But Never Say Out Loud!

You know what it is! Back like I never left. This week, Things That You Think to Yourself, But Never Say Out Loud! Enjoy!

"Dem niggas on Law & Order are smaaaart"

"I wonder how Crack tastes?"

"Did she just fart from her face, or did her breath just forget to take out the trash?"

"I know she's 15, but she got a big ol ass though!"

"I wonder what came first, pu$$y or fish?"

"Ohhh, is that hair growing out her mole?"

"Why are there so many handicapped parking spots, at the damn gym?"

"I should wash my balls, but she did say she was leaving in 5 minutes...fuck it I'm goin in"

"How do you actually get black elbows?"

"Damn that retarded kid looks retarded as hell"

Thank You

When Was The Last Time

The following is entitled: "When Was The Last Time". Check me out and comment. Website coming soon.

When was the last time a black person told you they were about to get off the exit, and aint even left the house yet?

When was the last time you seen a health food store in the "black mall"?

When was the last time you drove past a cop and didnt tap your brakes, no matter how slow you were already going?

When was the last time you heard a 50 cent song you actually liked?

When was the last time you went to work/class and didnt log on to FaceBook or MySpace?

When was the last time you left your cell phone at home and didn't feel like you were about to have a heart attack?

When was the last time you were in a gas station on the "Rich" side of town and they sold Black N' Milds?

When was the last time you cursed out loud when you got a "Fwd this to 10 other people or Jesus will disown you" text?

When was the last time you saw a dude with a pen and paper gettin phone numbers at the club?

When was the last time you were web surfing and didnt click on the Midget Porn Pop-Up?

REAL Moral of the Story for Nursery Rhymes

Pray for me on this one. This is my version of the REAL Moral of the Story for Nursery Rhymes. Enjoy, comment, and dont judge me...haha!!

All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun.
Pop! goes the weasel.
(Moral of the story, if you make a boy chase your weasel around the bush for too long, he will pop as soon as he gets in it)

Hey, diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
(Moral of the story, if you get high enough you can see all kinds of crazy shit)

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!
(Moral of the story, when you are on top people are willing to do anything for you, but as soon as you fall, niggas wont even help you get ya shit back together)

I don't want to go to Mexico
No more, more, more
There's a big fat policeman
At my door, door, door
He grabbed me by the collar,
He made me pay a dollar,
I don't want to go to Mexico
No more, more, more.
(Moral of the story, Mexican Police Officers take bribes)

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
(Moral of the story, if you chase Jill for that wet wet long enough, she’ll eventually fall on your crown)

Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe
(Moral of the story, crackheads are fast)

This old man, he played one,
He played knick knack with his thumb,
With a
Knick, knack, paddy whack,
Give the dog a bone;
This old man came rolling home.
(Moral of the story, if an old man wants to play knick knack with his thumb then give you a bone, call Chris Hansen here
1-800-2-CATCH-A-PREDATOR

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under a haycock, fast asleep.
Will you wake him? No, not I,
For if I do, he's sure to cry.
(Moral of the story, fags cry when you wake them up early)

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man,
Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
Roll it, and prick it, and mark it with a "B"
And put it in the oven for Baby and me!
(Moral of the story, cooking crack is easy, make sure you mark your package so that everyone knows where to come back)

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells,
And pretty maids all in a row
(Moral of the story, Mary needs to shave that cooch…its got all kinds of shit in it)

Now have fun singing these to yourself all day!!!

Things Your Mom Never Told You... As Told to a 5-yr Old Boy

Im baaaaaack!!!!! Here's some shit I just thought of. Something I like to call ......
THINGS YOUR MOM NEVER TOLD YOU....AS TOLD TO A 5-YR OLD BOY"
Enjoy!

"Never talk to strangers"..................................Unless, they are offering you a $20 blow job or a $5 blunt of purp

"Don't put that under the bed"............................Unless your wife is walking in and that's the only place you can throw that earring ol' girl left over there the other night

"Always look both ways before you cross the street".................................But if you do fuck around and get hit, only get in the ambulance if you have to cuz they gon charge you bout $500 bones for dat shit

"Wipe behind yourself real good when you finish going #2................................But when you get older you gon have more hair in your ass so you probably need something wet to clean all dat up

"Never let anyone touch you in your secret spot............................................Unless she's a thick redbone w/ really nice lips

"Always wipe off your silverware before eating in a restaurant".......................Unless you are at the Waffle House, then you should soak dem shits in hot water cuz everybody that works in there looks like they spit when they talk and dont stop their cuts from bleeding

"Always wash your hands when you finish using the bathroom........................unless you just banged a really borderline chick, you probably want to wash your hands before you touch your dick

"Wait a half an hour after eating before you go swimming..................................But if she's in the jacuzzi butt naked thats a cramp you gon have to take

"Never swallow your gum....................................But if you are running from the cops w/ a pack that carries a felony, yea gon head and eat dat one shorty

"Keep your hands to yourself"...........................................But if you stick your thumb in her butt and she moans, keep the party going

With You (The Domestic Violence Version)

With You (The Domestic Violence Version)
Written and Performed by Tyler Dirton
Super Engineer B Scott on the Boards
Technical Assistance (LC)


http://www.imeem.com/people/Fq0vaGC/music/0ZELnsLB/chris_brown_spoof/

HARDEST $H*T IN THE WORLD

HARDEST $H*T IN THE WORLD

The following are some of the things I think are the hardest shit in the world to do! Enjoy, comment, be good!

Opening a new CD

Not looking directly at a chicks titties when they bounce everytime she says a consonant

Talk to your mom on the phone while you're high, Mom: "Hey baby, how was class today?" You: "Yea the shoestrings in them joints was too long, so I just decided to tuck them in"

Pull Out

Get your drawers out of your ass in public

To tell someone that they have a white spit wedge in the corner of their mouth

Not to do the Harlem Shake for 3 seconds when you hear "Grindin" by the Clipse

Not to laugh when a grown woman rolls her ankle on the sidewalk

Not to look at the ball of meat on the back of a niggas ear that has encountered a bad earring day

To pour Muhammad Ali some of your Skittles

Thank You