Thursday, April 30, 2009

Things You Wouldn't Say At A Daycare

HELLO WORLD!! You know what time it is...come get in this corner! I call this one

"Hey lil girl, you must look like your father"

" cute, I just want to kidnap you and see how much you cost"

"Who wants to learn how to roll a blunt?"

"Lil dude in the corner with the helmet on is having an awesome time"

"And the secret word of the day is, 'Poontang' "

"Hey is that your mom over there with the fat ass?"

"Little boys that think girls are yucky usually grow up to be fudgepackers, ok?"

"Damn is that an adult 7 1/2 fitted hat? You got a grown man's head"

"Being a tattle tale can end up getting you stabbed in the shower"

"Alright reading time, who in here has heard of King Magazine?"

Got the advanced ticket list for my Improv Comedy show at SugarHill in ATL Sunday (5/3). If you got my number, hit me...if not email and we will make it work. $10 with me...$15 at the door, come out and support ya boy!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Man Law Monday

No man can compliment how well the pastor's suit fits

No man can ask another man if he can, "change his oil"

No 2 men can be in the same slot of a revolving door

No man can tell another man that is not a professional athelete that he is a beast

No man can ask the bootleg movie man at the barbershop, "Ay yo, you got that Obsessed joint?"

No man can buy a Nutrageous

No man can have a crease in his jeans

No man can tell another man he has "fresh breath"

No man can text a chick saying, "You hurt my feelings by not answering my call"

No man can tell another man that he dropped something, then watch him pick it up

If you're in the ATL this weekend check me out at SugarHill in the Underground this Sunday May 3rd from 7-9pm. Snack Pack Improv Comedy. Click the link to check out the last show. Hit me for advance tix.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Good Things Crackheads Do

WHADAFUXUP? This is a topic that rarely gets discussed so I took it upon myself to bring it to light. I call this, "Good Things Crackheads Do". Enjoy!

They are always there when you need a random pack of tube socks

They can wash your entire car with a bucket, an unlabeled spray bottle, and a towel/shirt

They are the source for all the dance crazes (The Roy, Harlem Shake, Stanky Leg..etc)

You won't be able to get a 37" flat screen for $40 anywhere else

They are Earth friendly, instead of cutting your grass with a lawnmower they choose scissors

Crackheads gone wild is an awesome DVD

$2 blow jobs

Even though you may end up with less stuff, they can get your entire house moved in 2 hours

They show the children what they can become if they don't do their homework

For $2 they will watch your car while you are in the club, for $5 they will build a brick wall around it and hire a pitbull

Thank You

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Man Law Monday

4/20 Edition

No man can look into another man's eyes while licking the blunt shut

No man can ask another man to teach him to blow "smoke holes"

No man can text another man: Happy 420 :-P

No man can stick an entire cigar in his mouth to produce wetness

No man can tell another man "I feel comfortable smoking around you"

No man can smoke out of a pipe that is long, hard, and has a tiny hole on one end with a round bulb on the other

No man can blow another man a shotgun

No two men can get high and say "Ay man, we should go swimming"

No man can get high and discuss his love life with another man

No man can smoke a blunt with his legs crossed

Thank You

Friday, April 17, 2009

You Know You are in the Black Mall When...

Welcome Back...did ya miss me?? This isn't You Know You Are a Redneck When...its You Know You are in the Black Mall When...Enjoy!
You know you are in the Black Mall when

The mannequins have fat asses

There is a 50 year old man purchasing an M&M's Nascar Jacket

You have to leave your bags at the front of every store

There are security tags on every single White Tee

There are no morning Mall Walkers

There are off-brand stores in the FoodCourt, ie T's Fried Fish and More

There is a kiosk that specializes in belts

There are no bookstores (sad but true)

Every girl that walks by sounds like they are carrying bags full of change

There is a dude in the parking lot trying to give you a better deal than what's in the mall

You see a herringbone


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Man Law Monday

No 2 men can ride in a 2 seater convertible

No man can use Sweet and Low

No man can purchase shoestrings that match his outfit

No man can wear sterling silver

No man can wonder if condoms can be recycled

No man can have a birthday cake after the age of 12

No man can be on the "Subway and Jarrett" diet

No man should have an argument with a woman via text and use ALL CAPS

No man can still wear a G-Unit wife beater

No man can tell other men to "follow him on Twitter"

Thank You

Friday, April 10, 2009

10 Most Awesome Things in the World in My Eyes

This list I have compiled are the 10 Most Awesome Things in the World in my eyes. Enjoy!

1) The creator of volleyball uniforms

2) Titties

3) The first person that thought it was a good idea to put your balls by the jet stream in the jacuzzi

4) Ladies night

5) The 8 minutes of footage after Halle Berry says, "Make me feel good" in Monster's Ball

6) The reaction of the first father that had to hear his only son ask, "Daddy, can you drive me to dance practice?"
7) Boyshorts

8) Baby Oil Gel on a stripper

9) Bubblegum Blunt Power

10) Knowing that to keep a man like Obama, Michelle's head game has got to be the most vicious on the Soutside of Chicago

Thank You

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Man Law Monday

No man can purchase fruit cocktail

No man can put on his hazard lights in the rain

No man can leave the top 3 buttons on his shirt unbuttoned

No man can be nervous about meeting another man

No man can get his feet pumiced

No man can have a favorite pair of drawers

No man can bring another man a magnet back from vacation

No man can request a special cake for his birthday

No man can request extra jelly

No man can pee through the hole in his tighty whities

Friday, April 3, 2009

Most Inappropriate Things to Think in Church

This one right here may be my letter of intent to sign a full scholarship for hell...but oh well...doin it for yall! This one is entitled

Most Inappropriate Things to Think in Church

"Damn Pastor's wife got a big ass, and that limp is kinda sexy"

"Why they let this retarded boy do the same speech every Easter, he's 29 now"

"Damn, Mrs. Gynn breath smells like Holy Shit mixed with a sweaty choir robe"

"Church long as hell, soon as I get home ima put in that new Bootytalk joint and go Ham!"

"Did that Usher just touch my ass when she showed me to my seat?"

"Look at her up there in the choir, them lungs are strong because I swear she didnt come up for air on my meat last night"

"Damn, Deacon Smith needs to stop coming to church, he looks like he's about to die in 5 minutes"

"Did I take my Chlamydia pill this morning?"

"The Minister of Music is about to give us diabetes he is so sweet, ugggh"

"I wonder if Jesus was fuckin"

Thank You