Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
No man can go to a fashion show with his "boy"
No man can get "butterflies" when meeting another man...famous or not
No man take cell phone pics and name the album "photoshoot"
No man can own a Snuggie
No man can say.."man the thing I miss most about playing ball, is the locker room"
No man can win a bear at a carnival and keep it
No man can ask another man to meet him for Sushi
No man can be in a bookclub
No man can have any kind of ass ointment in his cabinet
Monday, September 14, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
No man can pull his bare heels out of his shoes while sitting down
No man can say anything bad about a Porn Star
No man can take his son to cheerleading practice
No group of men can have a "Boys Night Out"
No man can ask another man "Yo, what you wearing to the club?"
No man can say "take me to jail, I'm ready to go back"
No man can have letters taller than 1 inch on his jeans
No man can lay out by the pool
No man can have the "Oprah Flap" under his arm
Thursday, June 18, 2009
TylerDirtonTV: True Stories Vol. 2 from Tyler Dirton on Vimeo.
And before you go, check out my Snack Pack Improv Comedy Groups cool swag for sale by clicking the link below!!
Monday, June 15, 2009
No man can say, "I wonder if Shannon Brown is related to Chris, every time I see one I think about the other"
No man can say..."I just don't like Kobe because he is arrogant"...news flash. He is worth 100's of millions of dollars...think about how arrogant you get when you get fresh haircut
No man can say..."Even his puppet is arrogan"
No man can own a Lakers bedroom set
No man can say..."Dang...they foulin Dwight Howard everytime, I know he got big shoulders and all, but damn"
No man can talk shit about Kobe's daughters' outfits after the game (No matter how Mexican it was)
No man can wear Laker's flip flops without socks
No man can say..."Man Andrew Bynum got a high butt"
No man can say that the Lakeshow aint the shit!!!
INGLEWOOD 310 LAKESHOW ALL DAY...
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Welcome, welcome, welcome back to Thursday Comedy Corner. For your enjoyment I present to you:
If Cartoon Characters Were Real
I would definitely try to fuck Smurfette to see if the condom turns blue
Tony the Tiger would scare the shit out of everyone at the Gay Club (obviously only a gay dude would wear only a scarf around his neck while butt naked)
Quagmire would be the first to be on "Dateline To Catch A Predator"
Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
I would mob to the club w/ Richie Rich and stunt on all you hoes!!! Poppin massive bottles!
If the Tazmanian Devil spits on me one more time I will fight his ass
Mickey Mouse would be mad at Michael Jackson for stealing his swag, Gloves...White Face w/ Black Hair, and love for little boys
I would definitely burn one with Cookie Monster...anyone that eats that many cookies has to have the munchies
I would tell Wile E. Coyote to stop fucking w/ ACME and get w/ Smith & Wesson
I would try and get to know Dora the Explorers' connect...she can go anywhere on the planet...no security checkpoint, I know she keep that work
The PowerPuff girls would go on that show "Intervention"...the only people with eyes that big are crackheads
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
No man can eat a naked sausage
No man can bring a pound cake to a cookout
No man can ask another man how he "prepares his chicken"
No man can complain that there are not enough vegetables at the cookout
No man can wear an apron that says "kiss the chef" at a cookout with a bunch of dudes
No man can drink a Bud Light Lime
No man can hope that another man brought a plate of his specialty
No man can request that everyone play Charades
No man can pass out flyers to his poetry reading at the cookout
No 2 men can walk to the cookout and say in unison, "We bought potato salad"
Friday, May 22, 2009
"Wouldn't These Twitter Updates Be Crazy?"
"Damn, offed a white chick and was good, got 75 for stealing some football cards...wtf?"
"Man this cave startin to stink!!!"
"Damn I cant even bust a nut w/out it making CNN...FUCK!!!!"
"Who's the best?...haha...I raped a white chick raw dizzle in the ass...and until now, yall forgot...haha"
"I sucked the right one babay...uhh huh!!!"
"I fucked the right one babay...uhh huh!!!"
"man got damn...its a fuckin dog!!!"
"dem niggas down there wildin"
"Wow...I should write a book called, tear shit up...and flee the scene!"
Homework Assignments: If you dig what I do...invite your friends to my group...on the home page click "Invite People To Join" then follow the promps...preciate ya
Oh yea...Twitter me: @tylerchronicles
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
No man can eat a Manwich
No man can have small birds printed on his shirt
No man can watch Men's tennis
No man can use another man's face towel
No man can use Vidal Sassoon Shampoo
No man can be on the NutraSystem points diet
No man can have these symbols in his text signature *~Ballin is My Hobby~*
No man can wear a shirt that shows his entire collarbone
No man can walk his dog in a dog park
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Toilet Seat- Back in to sit on his face...then complain about the seat being up
Thighmaster- While getting eaten...squeeze the side of his head with your thighs and tell him to make a squeaking noise
Oil Spill- Drink 4 milkshakes...Ride him reverse cowgirl style...and diarrhea cha cha cha on his abs.
Pro Bowlers Association- Ride him as if sitting in a chair...put the middle 2 fingers of your hand in his nostrils and a thumb in his eye...then yell "Steeeeriiiike 3" ala Fred Flintstone
Tea Cup Ride-Tell him to lay flat...ride him and spin round and around until you cum...then hop off the bed and vomit in the corner
Swim Up Stream-Right before your man is about to climax...cover his hole wiith your thumb and whisper in his ear "Swim Up Stream"
Galaxy-In the 69 position...use your mates penis like an Atari joystick.. and his balls for buttons...and say "pew pew pew pew" as if shooting space ships
Car Wash- (Reserved for women over 40 or that have the sag from childbirth) While riding your man...dip your breasts in soapy water and rub them back and forth across his face
Sniper- Get behind your man, close one eye, look in his butt-hole, reach around to hold the barrel steady...then pull the trigger until it shoots the target (overboard I know, but I do it for yall)
Trick Flower- Tell him to put his nose by your vag to smell your "flower" then pee in his face and honk a clown horn
Monday, May 11, 2009
No man can ask for Lavender Car Freshener
No man can say "Oh heyyyy" when answering the phone
No man can purchase a Day 26 CD
No man can complain about his nails getting dirty
No man can turn pass a women's volleyball game on tv. (Must watch for at least 5 minutes)
No man can lay out by the pool
No man can eat cotton candy at the amusement park
No man can use toilet tissue that comes w/ Aloe
No man can have a large collection of keychains
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Pencil Sharpener- Lay your woman face up on the bed, stick it in...then have her spin around while spitting sawdust out of her mouth
MJ- Hold on to the ceiling light with one hand while standing like the Jordan Jumpman logo and get head
Jack in the Box- Download 'Pop Goes the Weasel' on your cell phone, play it while hitting it from the back, and when the song reaches the 'pop' portion...dry thumb in her ass
Get High-wrap your lady in a brown garbage bag like a blunt, leaving only her head exposed, light the end by her feet on fire while receiving head
Tooth Fairy- take a pillow wherever you go and when you say "toothfairy" she has to stick her head under the pillow...and you guessed it...give head
The Elevator- Right before you reach the top(climax) fart and leave the room
The Ant Eater (Uncircumsized Users Only)- place raisins on your mates stomach and act as if your dick is eating ants...then insert
The Stanky 3rd Leg- Raw sex immediately after competing in a sports event
10 on Pump 5- Go raw, don't pull out til you shook out the last drop
The Ninja- Throw babypowder in your mates eyes...then steal the pussy
Monday, May 4, 2009
No man can have all men as his T-Mobile Fave 5
No man can say they dont like girl on girl porn
No man can utter the words, "damn I forgot a lime for my Corona"
No 2 men can go puppy shopping at the animal shelter
No man can be more excited about his wedding then he is his batchelor party
No man can buy another man a drink and tell the bartender, "Make it strong"
No man can walk another man to his car
No man can say an outfit makes him look chunky
No man can invite another man to is company Christmas Party
Thursday, April 30, 2009
THINGS YOU WOULDN'T SAY AT A DAYCARE
"Hey lil girl, you must look like your father"
"Aww...so cute, I just want to kidnap you and see how much you cost"
"Who wants to learn how to roll a blunt?"
"Lil dude in the corner with the helmet on is having an awesome time"
"And the secret word of the day is, 'Poontang' "
"Hey is that your mom over there with the fat ass?"
"Little boys that think girls are yucky usually grow up to be fudgepackers, ok?"
"Damn is that an adult 7 1/2 fitted hat? You got a grown man's head"
"Being a tattle tale can end up getting you stabbed in the shower"
"Alright reading time, who in here has heard of King Magazine?"
Got the advanced ticket list for my Improv Comedy show at SugarHill in ATL Sunday (5/3). If you got my number, hit me...if not email email@example.com and we will make it work. $10 with me...$15 at the door, come out and support ya boy!
Monday, April 27, 2009
No man can ask another man if he can, "change his oil"
No 2 men can be in the same slot of a revolving door
No man can tell another man that is not a professional athelete that he is a beast
No man can ask the bootleg movie man at the barbershop, "Ay yo, you got that Obsessed joint?"
No man can buy a Nutrageous
No man can have a crease in his jeans
No man can tell another man he has "fresh breath"
No man can text a chick saying, "You hurt my feelings by not answering my call"
No man can tell another man that he dropped something, then watch him pick it up
If you're in the ATL this weekend check me out at SugarHill in the Underground this Sunday May 3rd from 7-9pm. Snack Pack Improv Comedy. Click the link to check out the last show. Hit me for advance tix.
Friday, April 24, 2009
They are always there when you need a random pack of tube socks
They can wash your entire car with a bucket, an unlabeled spray bottle, and a towel/shirt
They are the source for all the dance crazes (The Roy, Harlem Shake, Stanky Leg..etc)
You won't be able to get a 37" flat screen for $40 anywhere else
They are Earth friendly, instead of cutting your grass with a lawnmower they choose scissors
Crackheads gone wild is an awesome DVD
$2 blow jobs
Even though you may end up with less stuff, they can get your entire house moved in 2 hours
They show the children what they can become if they don't do their homework
For $2 they will watch your car while you are in the club, for $5 they will build a brick wall around it and hire a pitbull
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
No man can look into another man's eyes while licking the blunt shut
No man can ask another man to teach him to blow "smoke holes"
No man can text another man: Happy 420 :-P
No man can stick an entire cigar in his mouth to produce wetness
No man can tell another man "I feel comfortable smoking around you"
No man can smoke out of a pipe that is long, hard, and has a tiny hole on one end with a round bulb on the other
No man can blow another man a shotgun
No two men can get high and say "Ay man, we should go swimming"
No man can get high and discuss his love life with another man
No man can smoke a blunt with his legs crossed
Friday, April 17, 2009
You know you are in the Black Mall when
The mannequins have fat asses
There is a 50 year old man purchasing an M&M's Nascar Jacket
You have to leave your bags at the front of every store
There are security tags on every single White Tee
There are no morning Mall Walkers
There are off-brand stores in the FoodCourt, ie T's Fried Fish and More
There is a kiosk that specializes in belts
There are no bookstores (sad but true)
Every girl that walks by sounds like they are carrying bags full of change
There is a dude in the parking lot trying to give you a better deal than what's in the mall
You see a herringbone
IF YOU ARE IN GBORO FOR AGGIEFEST ROCK W/ YA BOY AT THE STEPSHOW TOMORROW NIGHT!!! AFTER THE SHOW IS THE AFTERPARTY AND, AFTER THE PARTY IT'S THE HOTEL LOBBY THEN, AFTER THE LOBBY THEN I'M PROLLY SLEEP, AND WHEN I WAKE UP I'M A PROLLY EAT!!!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
No man can use Sweet and Low
No man can purchase shoestrings that match his outfit
No man can wear sterling silver
No man can wonder if condoms can be recycled
No man can have a birthday cake after the age of 12
No man can be on the "Subway and Jarrett" diet
No man should have an argument with a woman via text and use ALL CAPS
No man can still wear a G-Unit wife beater
No man can tell other men to "follow him on Twitter"
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
1) The creator of volleyball uniforms
3) The first person that thought it was a good idea to put your balls by the jet stream in the jacuzzi
4) Ladies night
5) The 8 minutes of footage after Halle Berry says, "Make me feel good" in Monster's Ball
6) The reaction of the first father that had to hear his only son ask, "Daddy, can you drive me to dance practice?"
8) Baby Oil Gel on a stripper
9) Bubblegum Blunt Power
10) Knowing that to keep a man like Obama, Michelle's head game has got to be the most vicious on the Soutside of Chicago
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
No man can put on his hazard lights in the rain
No man can leave the top 3 buttons on his shirt unbuttoned
No man can be nervous about meeting another man
No man can get his feet pumiced
No man can have a favorite pair of drawers
No man can bring another man a magnet back from vacation
No man can request a special cake for his birthday
No man can request extra jelly
No man can pee through the hole in his tighty whities
Friday, April 3, 2009
Most Inappropriate Things to Think in Church
"Damn Pastor's wife got a big ass, and that limp is kinda sexy"
"Why they let this retarded boy do the same speech every Easter, he's 29 now"
"Damn, Mrs. Gynn breath smells like Holy Shit mixed with a sweaty choir robe"
"Church long as hell, soon as I get home ima put in that new Bootytalk joint and go Ham!"
"Did that Usher just touch my ass when she showed me to my seat?"
"Look at her up there in the choir, them lungs are strong because I swear she didnt come up for air on my meat last night"
"Damn, Deacon Smith needs to stop coming to church, he looks like he's about to die in 5 minutes"
"Did I take my Chlamydia pill this morning?"
"The Minister of Music is about to give us diabetes he is so sweet, ugggh"
"I wonder if Jesus was fuckin"
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
No man can doodle
No 2 men can have an inside joke
No man can be so happy that he runs in place
No man can put his foot up on the wait bench Captain Morgan style while spotting a male friend
No man can get the top of his ear pierced
No man can cross his hair to where his hamstrings touch his knee
No 2 men can have a non-business joint account
No man can have a job at Wet Seal
No man can take longer than 20 minutes to get dressed, and that includes showering
Friday, March 27, 2009
I wonder what the Ice Cream man does in the Winter
I wonder if fish get offended when being compared to stank pu$$y
I wonder how people used to survive before toilet paper was invented
I wonder if the Chinese children that make our shoes know that they are selling for around $150
I wonder if Halle Berry's fart stinks
I wonder why Krazy Glue doesn't stick to the inside of the tube
I wonder if a chicken has actually ever crossed a road
I wonder if Barack curses people out behind the scenes
I wonder if bats know they have a Super Hero in their honor
I wonder if your loved ones that are up in heaven are looking down on you...while you masturbate
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
No man can say "it's a beatiful day outside"
No man can cut his eye at another man
No man can know the phone # by heart to American Idol
No man can compliment another man on the whiteness of his teeth
No man can do a full body roll if dancing at the club (PM)
No man can use a picture of his favorite dress shoe as his profile
No man can have shorts or sweats w/ anything written on the ass
No man can sing into his body wash bottle in the shower
No man can sit with both knees up on the couch
Friday, March 20, 2009
You leave the porch light and TV on everytime you leave the house
You hate to turn on your kitchen light at night
Every girl's name ends in an "a"
You keep sandwich bags next to the sugar bowl because you know someone is coming to borrow some
You have more Kool-Aid packs in your cabinet than cooking spices and condiments
A Mother and Daughter are pregnant at the same time
Your corner store has more scratch off tickets than juice
Unfortunately the pizza man doesnt deliver "to that area"
You have carved your initials into your arm
The most expensive piece of furniture in the house is the X Box
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
No man can hug his pillow tight at night
No man can wear a single hoop earring unless you are Michael Jordan or a Genie
No man can ask another man to cook him his favorite dish
No man can say "I love being in the locker room"
No man can be mad that the show "Girlfriends" is no longer on the air
No man can complain about the way his feet look in sandals
No man can cry after watching Seven pounds
No man can own a dildo that doesnt smell like vagina
Friday, March 13, 2009
"Dem niggas on Law & Order are smaaaart"
"I wonder how Crack tastes?"
"Did she just fart from her face, or did her breath just forget to take out the trash?"
"I know she's 15, but she got a big ol ass though!"
"I wonder what came first, pu$$y or fish?"
"Ohhh, is that hair growing out her mole?"
"Why are there so many handicapped parking spots, at the damn gym?"
"I should wash my balls, but she did say she was leaving in 5 minutes...fuck it I'm goin in"
"How do you actually get black elbows?"
"Damn that retarded kid looks retarded as hell"
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
No man can tell another man "come here, I got a secret"
No 2 men can do their "special handshake" at the club
No man can read another man's lips for too long
No man wear a bluetooth if it is dangling from his ear (BK)
No man can be on the Hollywood Diet
No man can let out only silent farts
No man can order Strawberries w/ Chocolate sauce
No man can shave his legs to his thigh to make his legs look good in shorts
No man can have hard nipples
Friday, March 6, 2009
When was the last time a black person told you they were about to get off the exit, and aint even left the house yet?
When was the last time you seen a health food store in the "black mall"?
When was the last time you drove past a cop and didnt tap your brakes, no matter how slow you were already going?
When was the last time you heard a 50 cent song you actually liked?
When was the last time you went to work/class and didnt log on to FaceBook or MySpace?
When was the last time you left your cell phone at home and didn't feel like you were about to have a heart attack?
When was the last time you were in a gas station on the "Rich" side of town and they sold Black N' Milds?
When was the last time you cursed out loud when you got a "Fwd this to 10 other people or Jesus will disown you" text?
When was the last time you saw a dude with a pen and paper gettin phone numbers at the club?
When was the last time you were web surfing and didnt click on the Midget Porn Pop-Up?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
No man can request to have his scalp greased
No two men can have a snowball fight
No man can grab the remote off another man's lap
No man can have a conversation in the men's bathroom
No man can put "it's complicated" as their relationship status
No man can cup his hand when doing the celebratory butt pat during a game
No man can drive a Dodge Neon
No man can know directions to a gay club
No man can wear oven mits for more than 5 minutes at a time
Friday, February 27, 2009
No man can share an armrest on a plane with another man
No man can call himself or another man "shawty"
No man can tell another man he needs to lick his lips
No man can be afraid of thunder
No man can ask another man to scratch a "hard to reach" area
No man can ponder putting a relaxer in his hair to make conrows easier to take
No man can give another man his own personal ringtone (SA)
No man can wear socks with the furry ball on the back
No man can wear Reebok Classics
All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun.
Pop! goes the weasel.
(Moral of the story, if you make a boy chase your weasel around the bush for too long, he will pop as soon as he gets in it)
Hey, diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
(Moral of the story, if you get high enough you can see all kinds of crazy shit)
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!
(Moral of the story, when you are on top people are willing to do anything for you, but as soon as you fall, niggas wont even help you get ya shit back together)
I don't want to go to Mexico
No more, more, more
There's a big fat policeman
At my door, door, door
He grabbed me by the collar,
He made me pay a dollar,
I don't want to go to Mexico
No more, more, more.
(Moral of the story, Mexican Police Officers take bribes)
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
(Moral of the story, if you chase Jill for that wet wet long enough, she’ll eventually fall on your crown)
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and burned his toe
(Moral of the story, crackheads are fast)
This old man, he played one,
He played knick knack with his thumb,
Knick, knack, paddy whack,
Give the dog a bone;
This old man came rolling home.
(Moral of the story, if an old man wants to play knick knack with his thumb then give you a bone, call Chris Hansen here
Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.
Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under a haycock, fast asleep.
Will you wake him? No, not I,
For if I do, he's sure to cry.
(Moral of the story, fags cry when you wake them up early)
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man,
Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
Roll it, and prick it, and mark it with a "B"
And put it in the oven for Baby and me!
(Moral of the story, cooking crack is easy, make sure you mark your package so that everyone knows where to come back)
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells,
And pretty maids all in a row
(Moral of the story, Mary needs to shave that cooch…its got all kinds of shit in it)
Now have fun singing these to yourself all day!!!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
No man can have an action figure collection
No man can wear dress shoes with the back or the toes out
No man can wear a sweater with no undershirt
No man can let the juice from fruit run down his mouth
No man can bend over in the shower...if you drop your rag...its just dropped, or try and pick it up like an eagle would its prey
No man can wear mid calf socks
No man can take a camera phone picture of John Legend at a concert
No man can wear a Tall T and boxers to bed
Friday, February 20, 2009
THINGS YOUR MOM NEVER TOLD YOU....AS TOLD TO A 5-YR OLD BOY"
"Never talk to strangers"................
"Don't put that under the bed"......................
"Always look both ways before you cross the street"...................
"Wipe behind yourself real good when you finish going #2........................
"Never let anyone touch you in your secret spot......................
"Always wipe off your silverware before eating in a restaurant"...............
"Always wash your hands when you finish using the bathroom..................
"Wait a half an hour after eating before you go swimming..................
"Never swallow your gum.......................
"Keep your hands to yourself".................
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Written and Performed by Tyler Dirton
Super Engineer B Scott on the Boards
Technical Assistance (LC)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
No man can take ice skating lessons
No man's profile name on Myspace can begin with an *, ~, or # sign.
No man can put one finger up while excusing himself in church
No man can sit in the bed in his t-shirt, shorts, and socks while eating ice cream
No man can utter the phrase, "I'm addicted to (Insert Reality Show name here)
No man can suck his teeth in disagreement
No man can complain about the price of facial cream
No man can use his girl's Bath and Bodyworks products
No man can send you a text that looks like this: "wHaT's uP mAn, wHeN iS yOuR sUpPoSeD tO jUmP??
Friday, February 6, 2009
The following are some of the things I think are the hardest shit in the world to do! Enjoy, comment, be good!
Opening a new CD
Not looking directly at a chicks titties when they bounce everytime she says a consonant
Talk to your mom on the phone while you're high, Mom: "Hey baby, how was class today?" You: "Yea the shoestrings in them joints was too long, so I just decided to tuck them in"
Get your drawers out of your ass in public
To tell someone that they have a white spit wedge in the corner of their mouth
Not to do the Harlem Shake for 3 seconds when you hear "Grindin" by the Clipse
Not to laugh when a grown woman rolls her ankle on the sidewalk
Not to look at the ball of meat on the back of a niggas ear that has encountered a bad earring day
To pour Muhammad Ali some of your Skittles
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
No man can request a blanket
No man can turn up the volume on a love song when riding w/ other men
No man can ask another man to bring him something back from vacation
No man can ask another man what type of lotion he uses
No man can ask who won the Super Bowl
No man can open a phone conversation w/ another man with the phrase, "Whatchu doin?"
No man can ask another man if he wants a spot while doing squats
No man should know what ANTM means
No man can blow on his soup
Friday, January 30, 2009
Da Ni99a dat feels like he has to talk to everyone on speaker phone no matter who is around
Da Ni99a dat pays for everything with a bag of change
Da Ni99a dat is always drunk and fed up with the stuck up women in the clubs You: "Man what's wrong w/ you? MFN: "Man I'm tired of these greedy ass chicks that come to the club and only want a baller, I asked her did she want me to buy her a drink, and she talkin bout 'nah I can't right now I'm with child, Bitch I aint buyin 2 damn drinks!!!
Da Ni99a dat does crack but always manages to get his hands on the newest shit
Da Ni99a dat works at the Black Wendy's that get's mad at you for ordering a "Special Made Sandwich"
Da Ni99a dat always has the New Jordans on but won't pay the $10 cover charge at the bar
Da Ni99a dat gets mad at old people when they walk to slow in front of them
Da Ni99a dat has sex w/ 3 different chicks a week but gets mad at his main chick for having too many male friends on MySpace
Da Ni99a dat was singing I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T hard as hell in the club, but waited 30 minutes to get in free, waited 20 minutes to get a free drink, then left and got smashed for 10 minutes...you guessed it...for free
Da Ni99a dat no matter what, always has a story that tops the one you just told. You: "Man I knew this dude back in college that jumped off the 2nd floor on campus into the pool, shit was crazy" MFN: Shiiiiiiit, I know this dude that could jump so high, I saw him grab a squirrel out a tree, on my momma!"
Friday, January 23, 2009
How a stripper will wipe down the pole with alcohol but will let people throw dirty dollar bills right on their cooch!
How white men won't wash their hands in the bathroom but always want to shake hands when they meet you
How the response to a chick saying, "I'm on my period" used to be "Damn", when you get older the response is "Is it light or heavy?"
How Waffle House took advantage of the fact that poor people eat breakfast at all hours of the day. When was the last time you saw a nice car in the parking lot? I'll wait...
How a chick will get mad when you bust in their mouth, Her: "I said tell me when you are bout to cum. You: "I said...ahhhhhhh!!!"
How they found somebody in NOTORIOUS that looks just like Craig Mack
How older women keep their Carpel Tunnels brace on during sex like, "You goin bowlin after this or somethin?"
How little kids want to come up to you and show you their coloring book, and I'm like, "Man...this shit is gahhhhhbage, you all outside the lines and shit, you need to start over fam!"
How a homeless man can ask for money when he has on an iPod, "Yo, you can sell that and eat for a month"
How some girls still buy Apple Bottom Jeans when they should probably go cop them new Watermelon Bottom Jeans
How if somebody's car breaks down in front of you, you choose to curse them out instead of help!
How some chicks come to the club thinkin they fly and still have baby powder residue in the middle of their chest
How you are reading this at work/library/lab trying not to laugh out loud
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
No man can wear a thumb ring
No man can have his name tattoed in cursive on his arm
No man can throw another man a surprise party
No man can ask another man to help him choose what to wear
No man that wasnt a pimp in the late 70's can own pink socks
No man can use the shampoo bottle for a microphone while singing in the shower
No man can be on Weight Watchers
No man can set his alarm so that he doesnt miss Oprah
No man can giggle when water splashes in your butt while taking a shit
Friday, January 16, 2009
(Good lookin Natalie Naomi Robinson, Someone reported her website so I cant plug it, hit her up and she will direct you) telling me to do something to help educate chicks on what we like, dislike, and some other interesting things you may not know about the male species. But you know I'm a little different, so check it out. Fellas don't be too mad I'm giving away some secrets, Ladies ask questions and I will try and answer this time. Comment if ya dig!
Ladies, our testicular area is the warmest part of our body, thats why our hands are always down there, its like holding on to some fresh baked cookies
Ladies, Porn Head (Ex: Slobbing, spitting, noisemaking) makes our joints 2 inches longer
Ladies, we dont ever want to be compared to the last dude, if he was doing so much for you, lets bring his ass back so he can help the both of us out
Ladies, we know we stink after workin out or playin ball A) no need to tell us how we smell B) no need to put your nose up to our clothes and shit like it may smell better the closer it gets to your face
Ladies, saying anything during sex that you heard in a porn movie will make us cum fast. You say, "Don't stop, harder, harder", we hear "Gone head and bust dat nut bruh"
Ladies, we will say yes to anything...if you say it from your knees with a mouth full of children
Ladies, please floss
Ladies, we like going to the strip club because them hoes dont care...and that's awesome...you should try it some time
Ladies, we dont care which dress you wear...so stop asking...our real answer is the one that comes off the easiest
Ladies, we are all for the comfortable attire when kickin it around the house, but the more you come to bed looking like a FULL BAG OF CHIPS, the less likely we are to eat you, "Bet I can eat just one!"
Thursday, January 15, 2009
No man can go out with his clique to the club when all of them have shades on
No man can pull up his shirt sleeve with his teeth
No man can say the phrase..."Ssstop lyyyyyin"
No man can talk to another man while both are at the urinal
No man can stand dick to butt in the club no matter the capacity
No man can say the phrase..."I already got my whole outfit laid out"
No man can say I have to take a Number 1
No man can know the name of his local Chinese Nail Technician
No man can sing the $5 Footlong son
What the fuck is that bitch MIA talkin about on Paper Planes? (Pirates, Skulls, and Bones??)
When is Plies gonna come out and admit that he is Kirk Franklin w/ a grill?
Where are all of the baby pigeons?
Why did you used to have friends that smelled like their house? You know that gentle mix of arms, cheetos, earring backs, and hotdog water?
Who still wears valour suits?
What was the nigga that invented male thongs thinking? "Yea and that part right there goes directly in your ass...yea, dat part right dere!"
When are black people gonna stop paying for shit that costs more than $5 with all change?
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? And where does this bitch get all this money for travel in this economy?
Why was JJ from Goodtimes living in poverty, but decided to take up such an expensive hobby as painting? Probably could've used some of that money to buy shit that mattered, like food, and turtlenecks.